The Self-Destruction Handbook: 8 Simple Steps to an Unhealthier You - Softcover

ADAM WASSON is a Scotch-swilling, Marlboro-smoking, relationship-sabotaging MWM. He enjoys walks on the beach, sodomitical literature, and good food. He is looking for: a small but vehement cult following.

JESSICA STAMEN is an SWF with a kind heart, questionable morals, and a history of Oprah-esque weight fluctuation. She is looking for: a man.

Introduction

CONGRATULATIONS! In picking up this book you have already accomplished more than you may realize. For one thing, you've made a statement about yourself—you are not someone who simply follows the crowd. Let's face it, there are thousands of books on how to avoid self-destructive behavior. As far as we know, however, this is the world's first book on how to embrace self-destruction, enjoy it, and pursue it to its fullest extent. Take a moment just to congratulate yourself on being unique enough to recognize this fact, and brave enough to investigate it.

The self-hurt goal
Our goal here is simple: We want to help you not help yourself To that end, we offer advice on everything from how to stalk an ex to how to smoke with emphysema. Wondering which gateway drug is right for you? This book will help you decide. Not sure how much degradation you can take? Probably more than you think: We'll help you push your limits.

No matter what self-destructive behavior you're interested in pursuing, chances are we've got some valuable advice and encouragement for you.

Destruction Isn't Death
Self-destruction is not suicide. In fact, they are very different. Suicidal people want to end life altogether, whereas self-destructives enjoy debasing themselves, degrading others, and generally wreaking physical and emotional havoc on the world around them. There is nothing more life-affirming than total destruction, whereas death, in our opinion, is zero fun.

If you are suicidal, then you have probably lost all sense of irony and should look elsewhere for help.

If, on the other hand, you hope to mastermind and botch multiple suicide attempts in order to frighten and manipulate people who care about you, we've got some real gems for you in chapter 8.

Your self-hurt journey
We're not going to lie to you. Self-destruction can be a difficult and sometimes lonely road. That is why, if you remember only one thing as you read this book, we want you to remember this: The whole point of self-destruction is that it's fun. If you're not having fun, then you might as well be taking vitamins, "working" on your relationships, and reading self-help books.

Your goal here should be to develop and pursue your destructive tendencies to their fullest potential, and to have a good time doing it. Before you read further, we'd like you to reflect for a moment on the most self-destructive thing you've ever done. Gratifying, wasn't it?

Okay, let's get to it!